When and how did 45 years slip by
already?! I am having an interesting reaction to my upcoming birthday. On July
11, 2012 I will be 45 years old. On a good day, I feel 25 and look 35. On my
worst day, I feel 100 and look 99.
All kidding aside, I am NOT reacting
well to this "over the hill" cliché. I feel I have so much more about
myself that I still am learning, adjusting, changing, killing, and bringing
back to life.
I have many memories of my
childhood. I just wanted to "matter" to anyone/to everyone. I
believed that children didn't matter as much as adults. Our opinions were
ridiculed. Our desires were dismissed. Our fears were mocked. Our dreams were scoffed.
I couldn't wait to be a grown up
"to do whatever I wanted/whenever I pleased. Well we all know that is NOT
always how adulthood works. I have lived for someone else my entire life. In the beginning, it
was for my parents love, approval, and praise. In the middle, it was for my
boyfriend's (who became my first husband) approval, love, and desire. Now, it
is for my husband's (second) comfort and love. I also have lived the past 20
years for my children. I remember I couldn't wait to be a Mommy, to be all the
things I craved from my own mother all those years: unconditional love,
encouragement, and support.
I find myself in a precarious
situation as I turn 45. Actually, it has been transpiring for a few years now.
I lost myself along the way. I gave up every dream, ambition, hope, and belief
that my life will ever be what I desired it to be/or what it was intended to be.
I have taken on everyone's hopes and
dreams for me. I have encouraged and supported all those around me, I forgot to
matter: to others and to myself.
My desire is the same as it was so
many years ago as a child; TO MATTER. I am not having pity party or seeking
sympathy, I am sharing what happens to a girl who all of a sudden is turning 45
years old.
I have made a declaration this year
to not be anyone's emotional doormat any longer. With this declaration and
promise to myself, I have had to fight for me more than I have ever fought
before.
I am still fighting those around me
and myself. You ask: "what in the world would you be fighting for?"
Since you asked, I will tell you. I am fighting for my right to be the real me.
I mean the imperfect me. I have tried to be a version of what pleases others
all my life, and obviously that is not working for me! I am fighting to remember and to find the REAL Rita in here
somewhere.
I tend to curse when I am excited or
angry or just because a curse word feels good coming out. I tend to get angry
when I see and believe there is an injustice against someone or a group of someones.
I cry at some commercials. I cry as I type my blog. I cry as I watch my
children sleep. I cry as I think that my children are not living out their
dreams. I cry when my sons succeed, I cry when they fail. I cry out of pride. I
cry out of frustration. OK, so I am a feeling, emotional, crying mess much of
the time.
I love God and Jesus! I love
Alternative Rock music. I love helping others. I love to encourage and support
others on their journey through life. I hope young people can and will learn
from my posts and blogs and to NOT make the same mistakes.
I desire to inspire others, but
first I must remember how to inspire myself.
I love to watch anything to do with
Colin Farrell. I have fallen in love with Jared leto and 30 Seconds to Mars. I
have this illusion and delusion that I will meet Jared someday and he will
actually accept my invitation to attend the Foundation for Angelman Syndrome
GALA this Dec. 1 in Chicago. I am deluded enough that if he sees my YouTube
videos I have made of my Angel rocking out to his music and of Angels gone too
soon, that he will be compelled to support a fellow Angel parent, Jared's friend,
Colin Farrell. I actually believe that I can convince Jared to give up his time
and of himself to spend the night with Angel families (and me).
I dream of a day that I matter enough for someone like Colin
Farrell and Jared Leto to take notice and say, "hey, that woman is crazy
but I love her spirit and her heart".
I would love to move out of Buffalo, NY and go to LA, live by the water, start a new life. Hey dreams/fantasies...the line is so thin ;)
I have more work to do on me. Steps have been taken to believe that I
matter. I work out every day for an hour
on the elliptical, I am eating healthier, I stand up for myself, I stand up for
what I believe is right, I am back in school to get a Doctorate in Education
(hopefully to open a school and program for children with disabilities birth
and beyond 21), and I am actually going to take acting classes this fall to
fulfill my childhood dream of performing.
Crazy?! Maybe, but I
have remembered to dream big again…as I find myself in this journey, I hope you
are encouraged to believe that you MATTER!
From this
To This...look what 45 years can do to a person
