Behind the Smile: a thank you poem to 30STM

Behind her smile are many secrets

But she will never tell

Kept far away…from her mind’s eye

For if not, she will die

The pain she will not bare...she not dare…

Stand firm in the façade…to go on

Behind those eyes are the lies

Delusions to carry on

When will she ascend to the place she belongs?

What will it take to move on?

A voice….a word….a song

For all the lies are no more

Dreams are waiting to be claimed….

They will be heard….

Beams of light from her face….

Dreams will help her take her place…

The above poem was written in response to what a music group/rock band named 30 Seconds to Mars has done for me. Bizarre! Right? Wrong! Have you listened to their lyrics? I mean really listened? Have you listened to their message? I mean really listened? It is easy to hear their music, but have you looked and listened beyond the occassional "F" word?



Jared Leto, Shannon Leto, and Tomo Milicevic are the members of this band that I seem to be completely in love with. They call themselves 30 Seconds to Mars.



Some of you know me as a devout Christian (was raised Catholic than started to attend a more Pentecostal church these past few years). I believe in God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost (the Trinity).



So if I am a Christian why in the world would I listen to secular music? Is this not to be considered a sin? I ask this: "who decides what is sin and not sin?" If you are a believer, your answer would be God decides what sin is. We are all sinners. Each and every one of us. The best we can do is to love and do our best to be kind to one another during our time on this earth.



I have been disappointed by priests, pastors, elders, Christians, so called believers in Christ my whole life. The hypocrisy, the judgment, the failure to show and live love and mercy. God is a god of mercy over judgment.



I was in a place of self discovery and awakening when I first heard a 30STM song. It was Closer to the Edge. I literally cried. My entire life, I was "not enough" for anyone. I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't rich enough. I wasn't a Christian enough. I can go on forever. I will spare you the tedious task of telling you how I have been trying to be someone I am not supposed to be. All this time, I have hidden the real me. I have been a people pleaser for 44 years.

If you are young at reading this, I implore you DO NOT MAKE the same mistake. Embrace who you are and make NO apologies for it.

I listened to every single Mars song ever recorded. I have spent a small fortune on ITunes. I have watched every YouTube video on this band and these men. I have watched every movie and TV episode Jared Leto has ever been in.

God has used a rock band to finally reach me at a level no one has been able to before. Bare with me here, in the bible there is a scripture in the book of Numbers that God actually uses a donkey to speak. Hey, if God can use a donkey, who says he can't use Jared, Shannon, and Tomo? Who says God can't use you or me to speak to people?

I love this band/these men, because they are real, sincere, and they love what they do and who they are. There is NOT one false pretense about them. You either love them or you just don't "get it". I love them! It may even  be a bit scandalous how much I love them and appreciate the message they are living. 

 I workout everyday for 60 min and only listen to Mars music.  Oddly, I have cried during my workout.  It has been such a healing and cleansing experience to take control of my life and health and to listen to these words that resonate so deeply within my soul. The conflict between good/evil, light/dark, the conflict within us all of finding ourselves and loving what we find. 

I have always told my sons to dream big, work hard, never give up, never back down, and always stand firm in who you are! Then here I am listening to a band giving the same message. I realized that how can I tell my sons this message but fail to live it myself. Talk about HYPOCRITE. I have forgotten my dreams. I have been living everyone else’s' dreams for me.

Because of Mars, I decided to take control of my life. I started working out. Eating healthier. Living in the moment and not  giving a shit what others think of me! I like the real me. ♥

My youngest son, Scotty is 10 years old and has Angelman Syndrome. He also has fallen in love with this band. He watches their videos (the appropriate ones ;) and listens to their music with me. He loves to rock out to Closer to the Edge and Search and Destroy the most. He absolutely loves to watch Shannon in action. Scotty is fascinated with the drums

.

Finally, I love the Echelon. Not sure if I can correctly call myself a member as of yet. But I have to tell you, I have already been welcomed by so many. The work that Mars and the Echelon are doing for the betterment of mankind and this earth is beyond commendable. This is what God has taught us to be. Living a life of love, generosity, compassion, mercy, and grace. Jared, Shannon, Tomo, and the Echelon are living proof there is a God and He will use any us to reach the desperate and the lost.

WHAT REALLY MATTERS

As I lay here  with my 10 yo son, Scotty (who has Angelman Syndrome)  as he sleeps with a leg on my stomach and his hands on my head...he just can't get close enough tonight.  I am unable to sleep.  Angel parents are used to sleepless nights for so many reasons:  our angels like to have "parties" through out the late hours/they tend to have an increase in seizure activity at night/or they just won't go to sleep 'cuz that is the fun of being an Angel.  Scotty used to sleep in his own bed for the past 9 1/2 years, however for several months he has had anxiety and needs to sleep next to me (on top of me is more like it).

Some nights I complain, some nights I wish he would go back to his own bed, but tonight, I am thankful he is next to me.  It is a reminder of what really matters in my life.

He matters, his happiness matters, his health matters, each breath he takes matters.  My heart is heavy once again because another Angel, Kelce, has been put into a medically induced coma to stop her seizures. due to complications and infections, her devoted family has made the heart wrenching decision to no longer have her on life support.  This is an incomprehensible task that many Angel families have faced through the years.  It is a moment that each of Angel parents dread, fear, and worry about.

I have never met Kelce, but I have grown to love her as my own because this Angel community of ours has the unique way of loving and giving of ourselves like no other.  We understand each other.  We don't need to meet in person to love one another.  We have facebook, email, text, notes, and phones to connect with one another.  Sometimes, words don't even need to be spoken.  We just know we are loved and our Angels are loved.

I have always been a person who prayed.  However, I have never prayed so much in my life as I have the past few years since I. became a member of this incredible family of Angels and their parents.  

When an Angel passes to earn their heavenly wings, a piece of every Angel parent's heart goes with them.  I lay here  with such a heavy heart that I cannot breathe.  I pray for a miracle tomorrow for Kelce.  I pray that no matter what happens, that Erin MacEachern Hazelton and Janet Santos MacEachern and their family know that they are not alone.  I pray that they receive supernatural strength and courage to get through this.  I pray that they feel all of our love surrounding them and Kelce.

So what really matters is not if my son sleeps in his own bed, is ever potty trained, or if he pulls my hair, what matters is that he is here next to me, sleeping, breathing, and healthy...for now.