It is not an easy thing to admit that you are not the best at anything. I have never been the smartest, prettiest, wittiest, sexiest, or any EST at all. I am slightly above average according to my calculations. But maybe I am just average or even below but not ready to admit that quite yet.
I have big I mean BIG dreams always have. To say that the realization that none of my dreams has come true and never will come true is disheartening is an understatement. I am not a movie star or a model. I am not a college professor or a famous writer. I am not a public speaker inspiring anyone to do anything. I am an overweight middle aged woman on her second marriage. I am a mother to 3 sons that I love so much that I am brought to tears thinking about each one of them. I have done nothing grand or astonishing in my lifetime or anyone’s lifetime.
I have failed at being a business owner. My grandiose ideas have all proven fruitless. Ellen DeGeneres is not knocking on my door to interview me on what wonderful feats I have accomplished to help others.
Somehow I have been able to meet Colin Farrell and Jared Leto (Two heartthrobs and incredible talents).But I can never and will never be able to call them friend. I am just another woman they took an obligatory picture with. My face or name will never cross their minds again. I have made futile attempts to profess my admiration for them and lend words of encouragement to them for their personal journey in life.
My reality is not uneventful but it is unspectacular. I falsely believed I was destined for great things. I imagined a life balanced with humdrum and glamour. My life is anything but elaborate. I am but a speck in time taking up space doing what I can to stay afloat.
The dream of being a magnificent mom has also been diluted by the realities of my clumsy effort to inspire or epitomize any kind of greatness to my sons. My high school sweetheart and I made a debauchery of any resemblance to love or marriage. My sons have learned nothing is forever and love can fade.
Hypocrisy has become my middle name. Good bye Rita Ann and meet Rita Hypocrisy. I preach to my sons to follow their dreams, dream big, stand firm in who you are. In reality I haven’t had a clue who I was until this revelation of my ineptness at all things.
It is quite freeing to finally figure out who I am. Life is not kind and reality is a bitch. However, such a weight has been lifted from any expectation of greatness coming out of me any time soon. No mark will be made. My name will not be remembered generations to come. Nobody will speak of my in history courses. I was born, I dreamed, I failed, I got back up, I failed again, I got back up, had my AH HA moment, I lived in reality, I died. Nothing great came from me. Nobody’s life was changed because I was born. I made no great impression on anyone that has ever crossed my path.
Please do not mistake this as a pity party. This is reality setting in and delusions fading away. I often wished I could see my life through the eyes of the movie “it’s a wonderful life” maybe I can see the butterfly Effect everyone talks about. Have any of my words, deeds or actions had any butterfly effect on anyone in this world? That is the question. Now I finally have my answer. A simple but resound NO.
The word perspective is an interesting concept. If I change my perspective I can change my life. My thoughts create my reality. In actuality, reality has created my thoughts. I can no longer escape in my delusions of grandeur that things will get better. This is it. There is no better.
