I have written and deleted this blog at least 5 times. I struggled with if I should share this or not. Would you think less of me? Would you look at me as an unprofessional teacher or worse a bad mother?
We all have triggers that can set off a memory that we have buried or an emotion that we normally deny ourselves. I don't know about you, but I keep myself very busy so I don't have to feel anything some days. This day I couldn't hide behind the "busy" and I broke down.
I sat on the bleachers in our gym at school. I was watching two of my students cheer as other students were participating in our weekly hockey game. There was a couple of students that drew me in. The purest form of glee to be a part of something like this. There was this one student that he just couldn't hold in his excitement. The joy that permeated from that smile of his was intoxicating, beautiful, and yet it killed me. It triggered a place within me that I rarely allow myself to visit. I felt such a deep sorrow that my spirit actually hurt. Tears started to just roll down my face. I was angry that my son couldn't be a part of something like this. That even in the world of being "different", he is more "different" than others.
I imagined my son, Scotty with a smile on his face that would show complete satisfaction that he belonged! In this moment I did what I tell all parents to NOT do. I compared my son's abilities and differences to others. I was crushed even in the world of 'special needs' my son would not be able to participate in such an activity. His neurological and sensory needs would create it impossible for him to be a part of something like this. I actually considered my son "lower" or less than these students. I was crushed.
At first I felt sorry for my son then I felt shame. I was ashamed that I was a hypocrite. I speak and write about presuming competence and stress the importance to look at the abilities not deficiencies.
Am I a parent based in reality or a am I dismissing my son's potential? All I know is that I had to remove myself from the gymnasium and try to regain composure.
I ended up in the principal's office to turn in paperwork and her benign question "How's it going?" had me frozen. I stood there and a meek "good, things are good" came out. My tone gave me away. She stopped and asked again. This time I said, can I speak freely as a parent right now and not as a teacher?" She granted me permission to do so. The tears just fell. Talk about unprofessional!
Something as simple as a weekly activity in a school for exceptional children tapped my sorrow and mourning for what my son isn't or can't be. Shame on me!!! I want so much more for Scotty that I simply can't give him..a sense of belonging with his peers.
Hate to admit it, but I cried on the drive home and most of the night. Then I was reminded of the perfection of who my son is. He is sound asleep in these pictures! Who sleeps with such a smile of pure joy? My son does! Whose giggles can be heard in the middle of the night while in a deep sleep? My son's can!
This is Scotty! Pure of heart! Pure Joy and Love! He is not less than anyone! Shame on me..shame on anyone who thinks otherwise!
We all have triggers that can set off a memory that we have buried or an emotion that we normally deny ourselves. I don't know about you, but I keep myself very busy so I don't have to feel anything some days. This day I couldn't hide behind the "busy" and I broke down.
I sat on the bleachers in our gym at school. I was watching two of my students cheer as other students were participating in our weekly hockey game. There was a couple of students that drew me in. The purest form of glee to be a part of something like this. There was this one student that he just couldn't hold in his excitement. The joy that permeated from that smile of his was intoxicating, beautiful, and yet it killed me. It triggered a place within me that I rarely allow myself to visit. I felt such a deep sorrow that my spirit actually hurt. Tears started to just roll down my face. I was angry that my son couldn't be a part of something like this. That even in the world of being "different", he is more "different" than others.
I imagined my son, Scotty with a smile on his face that would show complete satisfaction that he belonged! In this moment I did what I tell all parents to NOT do. I compared my son's abilities and differences to others. I was crushed even in the world of 'special needs' my son would not be able to participate in such an activity. His neurological and sensory needs would create it impossible for him to be a part of something like this. I actually considered my son "lower" or less than these students. I was crushed.
At first I felt sorry for my son then I felt shame. I was ashamed that I was a hypocrite. I speak and write about presuming competence and stress the importance to look at the abilities not deficiencies.
Am I a parent based in reality or a am I dismissing my son's potential? All I know is that I had to remove myself from the gymnasium and try to regain composure.
I ended up in the principal's office to turn in paperwork and her benign question "How's it going?" had me frozen. I stood there and a meek "good, things are good" came out. My tone gave me away. She stopped and asked again. This time I said, can I speak freely as a parent right now and not as a teacher?" She granted me permission to do so. The tears just fell. Talk about unprofessional!
Something as simple as a weekly activity in a school for exceptional children tapped my sorrow and mourning for what my son isn't or can't be. Shame on me!!! I want so much more for Scotty that I simply can't give him..a sense of belonging with his peers.
Hate to admit it, but I cried on the drive home and most of the night. Then I was reminded of the perfection of who my son is. He is sound asleep in these pictures! Who sleeps with such a smile of pure joy? My son does! Whose giggles can be heard in the middle of the night while in a deep sleep? My son's can!
This is Scotty! Pure of heart! Pure Joy and Love! He is not less than anyone! Shame on me..shame on anyone who thinks otherwise!
